Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Shopping at malls with boys

Do you know the boys were actually excited to take a trip to the mall today?  I needed maternity clothes.  That's right, I interrupted our homeschooling day today to take all five boys out with me to shop for maternity clothes!

Boys at the mall do not shyly stay by the double stroller taking everything in with big eyes.  They dash ahead, chase each other around the kiosks, nearly knock sweet little old ladies with their walkers over, and yell to each other not to fall and die when they're looking over the rails to the bottom floors.

Boys at the mall beg to ride the escalator.  Just once, I'll come right back up.  I'll carry one end of the stroller and you can carry the other, Mom.  Boys at the mall are never content just to ride the elevator, but if they must, they must always fight over who gets to push the button, and then little fingers reach out and push all the other buttons too.  Just not that great big red one!  Thank you.  They must also always jump up and down as the elevator is moving to get the ultimate ride experience.  And they must always be first to get on and first to get off.  Sometimes they must apologize to others.

Boys at the mall apparently love to go clothes shopping for themselves.  Because Mom, I need something really awesome to wear when I fight Darth Vader when we play Light Sabers.  Please, Mom.  Apparently, Tom and Jerry shirts work for this.  As well as an actual Darth Vader shirt.  Because everyone knows the secret to mastering your enemy is to wear a picture of him.

Boys at the mall absolutely dread going into women's clothing stores, and the ultimate agony is a maternity store.  Boys in this situation, when instructed to sit down and play quietly with their lego guys they brought along for just such an emergency will find the smallest corner of the store to squeeze into.  The great benefit of this is that they can then be seen both inside and outside the store.  When told to come out of smallest corner and stay out of the clothing racks, they will find the empty dressing rooms.  They will think that the strap-on pregnancy belly is interesting and wear it as a hat.  After vacating the rooms, they will poke pregnant mannequins in the stomach and compare the size with animals.

Boys at the mall will love stopping at the play area, even if two of them are too tall to play and are made to sit and watch.  The little boys will climb on everything.  They will even climb on the stuff that's actually designed for climbing on.  They will also climb on each other, sit on each other, and hoist each other up tall objects.  Sometimes they will accidentally do these things to other children.  Boys at the mall will also tend to shout things from the top of tallest play things like, "Look at that fat woman over there!"  And when informed that their words are impolite they will declare that the woman's not real, she's one of the fake people.  Then that woman will move and Mom will instill into them the message that things that are unkind to say are unkind to say about anyone.  Fake or real.

Boys at the mall will always beg for food.  They will delight in the fact that their mother can't say no because she is starving.  They will beg to play mini golf and video games as they head to selected eating spot.  They will also all gather around in the family restroom to watch each other pee into the tiny toilet.  When commanded to sit still and don't move while mom orders the food 5 feet away, boys tend to dismantle things.  Like the entire back of the booth they're sitting on.  And a mixture of horror and delight will cross their faces as they hold said back of the booth in their very own hands.  Much fist pounding will go into its replacement.  They will eat everything placed in front of them, even the extra containers of ketchup, and then moan about how hungry they still are.

 Five boys at the mall will receive all kinds of looks.  Endearing looks.  Disgusted looks.  Annoyed looks.  Patient looks.  Amazed looks. Curious looks.

A mother of five boys at the mall will receive those same looks.

I am so thankful my boys are not like those boys.  My boys just tend to shyly stay by the double stroller taking everything in with big eyes.  Whoever owns those boys obviously needs some lessons in parenting.

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